


Thin

by fading_hope



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-21
Updated: 2016-02-21
Packaged: 2018-05-22 11:43:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6078093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fading_hope/pseuds/fading_hope
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nathanael likes Adrien. Adrien is thin, handsome and popular. Nathanael wants to be like him.( Even though he already is thin) Chloè is willing to help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thin

Nathanael feels air being knocked out of him as he is repeatedly shoved against the wall. Banging and screaming in his ear, his world is spinning and crumbling all at the same time. Everything is too painfully familiar. Chloe's cold fingers wrap itself around Nathanael's pale neck, threatening to steal his life. 

Take it, Nathanael thinks, it's not worth much anyways. 

Worthless. Pathetic. Imbecile. 

"If I tell you to fucking starve, you fucking do it! Stop whining like a fucking greedy little bitch." Chloe growls in his ear, emphasizing each and every syllable, as if Nathanael isn't aware of how much he sucks. Chloe's breathing is ragged and heavy. Nathanael's heartbeat is erratic and his mind is blank, a vast of emptiness, not at all unlike his hollow heart.

"Who the fuck gains back 15kg in just a span of two months? What the fucking hell is wrong with you?! You're a fucking useless faggot." Unlike her icy fingers, Chloe's voice is always raw with malice and fiery with anger. 

Her furious gaze is burning into Nathanael's large eyes which are practically screaming fear. 

"Do you or do you not get me, Nathanael?" The younger girl spits, sounding both derisive and full of contempt. Nathanael hates the way Chloe sounds. It makes him feel even worse than he already does, makes him feel even more disgusted of himself than he already is. It just makes him want to die even more. He desperately wishes he could drill a hole into the tiled floor and disappear forever. He doesn't want to be in front of Chloe. Not in this state. Not when he looks like a fucking pig. 

Wait for me Chloe, he silently pleads, I promise I'll be good enough. I'll make sure I hit below 40 this time. 

Nathanael nods, almost resignedly. 

Chloe's lips twitch somewhat but not enough to form a broken smile yet, "that's a good boy, Nathanael," she purrs, "that way, Adrien will definitely like you." 

"No, I don't care about Adrien anymore. I just want you to like me, Chloe." Nathanael doesn't know why, but he says it anyway. 

The shorter girl lifts a brow, staring at Nathanael for a moment before she nods, face void of any emotions. 

"Yeah, sure," she says with a dismissive wave of her other hand. Nathanael sighs inwardly, admiring how perfectly sculpted and lean Chloe's body is, not at all like his own imperfect body. 

"I'll get going. Remember your promise." And with that, the coldness around his neck is lost and Nathanael eyes are suddenly warm with unshed tears and untold sorrows. But now that Chloe is gone, who else would listen to his cries of despair and silent pleas for help? He doesn't remember hearing the doors close but maybe it's better this way; at least he wouldn't feel the same sense of loneliness that envelopes him whenever someone leaves him. 

As time passes by, Nathanael gradually learns that loneliness is only part of being human. You're always alone and if you think you're not, you're probably delusional. Nathanael decides he no longer wants to be delusional. 

-

Nathanael is facing the mirror, tracing his scars with a finger. Every scar is a memory, a painful one. Every time the blade digs into his skin, he feels euphoria and pain all at the same time. It's a contradiction, he bitterly thinks, but there's a certain beauty in contradiction and Nathanael loves beauty. 

Nathanael starves because he wants to live, to truly live. He doesn't want to live life like a zombie, avoiding human contact as much as possible because he is so fucking ashamed of how fat he is. He wants to live a life where he can go to the movies with Juleka and Mylene without feeling like the odd one out, play basketball with Kim and Ivan without feeling fat, allow Adrien to hold him by his waist without feeling insecure and so much more. He will no longer feel ugly, and perhaps one day, he may even feel beautiful. He can be like the beauty he always admires. He will finally feel human enough. Maybe, Nathanael is unable to see the irony behind that. He gradually allows anorexia to take over him, thinking it'll somehow allow him to be human when all it ever does is make him even less of a human than he already is. 

-  
Nathanael wakes up at exactly 4AM. There is a weird churning in his stomach; a mixture of fear and excitement. He is momentarily afraid that he may fail but as soon as the thought comes into mind, he chides himself, stop making excuses. 

He washes up and drinks a glass of water before going to do some editing. After forty five minutes of work, he starts to do 20 minutes of jump rope. 

 

Exhausted both emotionally and physically, Nathanael lies on his bed, panting. But he feels adrenaline coursing through his veins. He is excited. He has managed to exercise. The first step is always the most important one. 

He realizes how weak he has become after having stopped exercising for several months. 

For the rest of the day, Nathanael doesn't eat or sit. He stands and walks around until it's time to go to bed. 

-

For the next two days, Nathanael only eats 100 calories for breakfast and 200 calories for dinner. If he is hungry, he can only eat apples. He steps onto the weighing scale with a tired but contented smile. He has lost 2kg and his stomach is flat. 

People in school started to notice. Juleka, who sits next to him in science, questioned him if he is alright. Nino and Adrien kept looking at him and his thin body when he walks by, Marinette brings him freshly baked crossaints, which he of course rejects with a smile, Alya started googling things about anorexia and his teachers keep looking at him worriedly.  
-

Nathanael starts on a new comic about Ladybug; he draws and he draws about a boy who is too imperfect to be living and a boy who is too perfect to be dying, getting akumatised and making all the food disappear. Perhaps, if he draws something tragic enough, he wouldn't be reminded of his own tragedy. 

-

Adrien calls to ask Nathanael out. Nathanael rejects and it pains him to hear the lack of surprise or regret in Adrien's voice. Just wait Adrien, Nathanael mumbles, when I'm beautiful enough I'll go out with you. He thinks of Adrien's toothy grin and Nathanael falls into a deep slumber, dreaming of Adrien's bright green eyes and wide smiles, dreaming of holding onto the older male. He wakes up to a tear-stained pillow, with an empty heart and a pair of wet eyes.

-

It takes Nathanael a month to find out that 700 calories is the best choice for him. He sticks with that; eating 700 calories per day. Nathanael thinks it's extremely tiring to only eat 700 calories per day but he doesn't mind eating that way forever if it meant he could be skinny. But just how long is forever? 

-

It has been more than a month and Nathanael is starting to lose his hair. It's fine though, he thinks, you gain some and you lose some. But in this case, he loses both. 

-

"Happy 2 months anniversary," Nathanael says out loud as he takes a bite of the green apple. It has been 2 months and he had just recently recovered from a fever. Nothing new and he isn't surprised at all. He used to have fever once every month and it always took a week to recover. 

-

Three months and Nathanael has already lost 10kg. He steps off the scale with a proud smile. His mind momentarily wanders to Chloe ,wondering when the younger would come but the thought leaves as quickly as it comes. Nathanael has better things to do and that includes exercising. 

-

Nathanael touches his own body. He can feel his collarbones, hip bones but his ribcage isn't visible yet and he doesn't have a thigh gap. 

Just 5 more kg, he pleads to himself. 

You can do it Nathanael!

It fades... The encouragement fades away into nothingness and is replaced by fear. 

Useless wimp, remember that time where you lost 10 fucking kg but gained back 15?! Do you want that to happen again?! Don't you have the decency to at least maintain what you have had previously? Are you that useless? You're. A. Fucking. Faggot. Do you want to stay fat forever?

The words don't fade this time. They are loud and clear; they linger around in the still air of Nathanael's empty apartment and they stay in his mind for the longest time ever. 

-

Chloe comes to visit. 

"You're doing great," she says and Nathanael tries to resist the urge to smile. 

Nathanael manages to lose those 5kg and return to how he was before he gained back all the fats. His BMI is 14 and he is fat. 

"Just lose 5 more," Chloe says again as she makes Nathanael a cup of green tea, "why would you want to remain status quo when you can improve?" 

Nathanael agrees. 

And Chloe smiles. 

-

Nathanael's apartment is littered with hair and he is sprawled on his bed with a high fever. This time though, the fever takes more than a week to recover. 

-

Nathanael manages to lose those 5kg anyway but it takes him nearly 2 months. He has a thigh gap now. He is happy, he really is. But he is more tired than happy. 

"You should be happy though," Chloe says, "you have a rather narrow waist and a thigh gap" 

"I am," the older replies but he doesn't sound convincing at all. 

All Nathanael knows is that there is still something lacking. 

-

"You need a BMI of 9, ideally." Chloe casually mentions it over tea one day. Both of them are having a cup of chamomile tea, except Chloe isn't really drinking and Nathanael doesn't know why. It's calories-free, isn't it?It's relaxing, if only Nathanael isn't so hungry. Nathanael is hungry but he doesn't want to eat. 

"I must really applaud you, Nathanael. It's been more than 5 months and you haven't even binged once! I admire your self-control." 

And suddenly Nathanael isn't very hungry. He thinks it's all worth it when Chloe compliments him. 

Nathanael works hard to get to a BMI of 9. 

Nathanael doesn't finish drawing his comic.

Nathanael doesn't come to school anymore.

Because Nathanael passed away of starvation at the age of 19.


End file.
